MULTIPLICATION & Humor From Fictional Newspaper ‘Lark News’ About Multiple Services

Pastor’s multiple personalities suit congregation just fine

SAN DIEGO — A pastor diagnosed with two separate personalities continues to pastor his congregation at Fairview Baptist church as two different people, one in first service and one in second.

The first service, known as “the morgue” because of its preponderance of elderly people, knows pastor Ken Miller as conservative and subdued. He sings old hymns and limits his homily to 15 minutes. During the service he rarely strays from the pulpit.

But in second service, which the church advertises as their “contemporary” service, the same man emerges pumping his fists, jumping up and down and yelling, “Come on, people! Praise Him!” Miller charges through a power-packed hour of rock-and-roll worship and a motivational sermon. The much younger audience seems to connect with his energetic, humorous approach.

Miller’s personality shift happens promptly at 10:15 a.m. every Sunday morning when he’s reviewing his notes between services…

“It’s weird, but it works,” Miller says. “It makes it easy to conduct multiple services. Other pastors might have to think about shaping their presentation for a certain audience. For me, it happens automatically…”

Miller hit a snag recently when his second-service personality proposed building a larger, grander facility on the outskirts of town. His first-service personality had deep reservations, echoed by the more conservative first service audience.

“There is some directional tension with that, yes,” Miller says in his first-service personality. “I’m not sure building a fancier building will make the church any stronger.”

But during Sunday morning second service, Miller’s other personality sounds an opposite tone, insisting that the church must grow and remain relevant in the community. Twice, Miller’s second-service personality has purchased property for the new site, only to have his first-service personality call back later and rescind the offer…

Read the this humorous article in its entirety at … http://www.larknews.com/archives/235 (a fictional newspaper)

MULTIETHNIC & Hispanic congregation outgrows white congregation, muscles into Sunday morning slot #Humor #LarkNews

LANSING — Templo Calvario, a Hispanic church which meets at First Lutheran Church, has outgrown its white host church and seized control of service times.

“We’re bigger, we’re more excited and we’re taking Sunday mornings,” said Fernando Gonzalez, the newly emboldened Hispanic pastor. “They can have 3 p.m. and see how they like it.”

The Templo crew also claimed the main church office, forcing First Lutheran’s staff into broom closets and back rooms which formerly housed Templo’s offices.  Read more at http://www.larknews.com/archives/145

MISSION STATEMENTS & Church members struggle to memorize mission statement #Humor #LarkNews

Church members struggle to memorize mission statement

VISALIA, Calif. — First Covenant Church unveiled a new mission statement last week, hoping to launch the church into an era of greater unity and spiritual effectiveness.

But response to the two-page statement has been decidedly mixed among church members who despair of memorizing it as the church has requested.

“It’s a verbal tangle of quasi-eloquent nothingness,” grumbles one man. “I can’t even say it right when it’s projected on the screen. I end up with a mouthful of blah.”

The new statement reads:

“First Covenant Church exists for the passion and purpose of inspiring, discipling, equipping and sending out Christ followers with the destiny of transforming the world to the glory of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and fostering a graceful yet convicting church environment in which people of all faith experiences and backgrounds are molded into the image and reflection of Christ, together creating a God-honoring community of authentic worshipers deliberately focused on reaching their community, the nation, the next generation of believers and the world through missions works, innovative programs and prayer.”

And that’s just the first sentence… Read More

HOSPITALITY & Church Transforms Into Coffee Chain #LarkNews #Humor

Church transforms into coffee chain 

Church transforms into coffee chain DENVER — Connection Metro Church, which used its foyer coffee bars to attract visitors to its eight satellite churches in the Denver area, has decided to abandon ministry altogether to focus on coffee.

“People liked the coffee a lot better than the ministry, according to congregational surveys, so we’re practicing what we preached and focusing on our strengths,” says former teaching pastor and now chief marketing officer, Peter Brown.

Many in the congregation seem downright relieved.  Read More