CONFLICT & How to disagree without making someone defensive.

by Stephanie Vozza, Fast Company Magazine, 11/22/22.

…according to Shelby Scarbrough, former international and U.S. Department of State Protocol Officer and author of Civility Rules! Creating a Purposeful Practice of Civility.

Watch your language

First, avoid using accusatory terminology, such as “you should,” or shaming or blaming the other person.

“It’s a surefire way for them to come back with a response that’s defensive or angry if they are sensitive at all about their position on something,” says Scarbrough. “Somebody who’s extremely comfortable and confident in their own position often is not defensive because they don’t need to be. They can have a conversation about any topic and not worry about it’s not a personal slight.”

Focus on your experience

Next, avoid telling someone what to do and giving advice.

“If we want to engage with somebody in a deeper, meaningful level, it’s not about us getting out our views,” she says. “That’s where we kind of go wrong in society these days. We’re so hell bent on getting our own opinion out there and putting it out there as truth or fact rather than realizing that it is a perspective and that there are other perspectives.”

Instead, share your experience…

Sharing your experience illustrates how you’ve come to your view. Start your sentence with, “This has been my experience.” Be willing to be vulnerable and open to push back, says Scarbrough.

“The person might say, ‘Yeah, but’ and that’s okay,” she says. “That doesn’t mean you have to get defensive, too. You can say, ‘I can see this is hitting a nerve and that’s not my purpose. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I would I’d really like to have a conversation about this. And if it’s uncomfortable for you, we don’t have to talk about it.’ That can help calm the situation, so the other person feels safe.”

Check your motive

Ask yourself, do you want to have a conversation about something or do you just want an opportunity to push your position. If it’s the latter, it’s usually a good way to cause someone to get defensive, which creates a dead-end conversation.

If you want to have a conversation, enter it with open-ended curiosity. Scarbrough suggests saying, “Tell me more about that. I’d like to understand your views.”

GROWING THE POST-PANDEMIC CHURCH & Angela Duckworth, author of the bestseller “Grit,” explains why, two years into the pandemic, even the grittiest people are quitting, stepping down, or scaling back. And, she suggests three things to do to address this.

by Danica Lo, Fast Company Magazine, 6/15/22.

It’s been six years since psychologist and University of Pennsylvania Professor Angela Duckworth published her bestseller Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. After more than two years of behavioral and societal shifts that have drastically altered cultural values around work and achievement (see: the Great Resignation), Duckworth discusses Grit in hindsight in the first episode of The Next Chapter, a new podcast created for the American Express Business Class platform, out today.

For Duckworth, the tenets of Grit still hold true—that high-achievers are people who not only possess passion, but who also persevere. But, especially in these post-pandemic years, finding passion, or a directional focus, an be difficult and confusing. “For many of us, work ethic, getting feedback, practicing things we can’t yet do, being resilient—all that is easier than knowing what to be persevering about,” she says.

…“When someone is super-gritty, it’s because they’re pursuing something they really love and they actually feel there’s hope to make progress on [it],” Duckworth says. “One reason people might be burning out right now is that, for whatever reasons, there is some erosion of that hope that the future is bright for what they’re doing.”

…“The lesson in the pandemic is that if we want to be grittier or if we want to understand how to make other people grittier, there has to be some valid sense of hope for that person—that what they’re doing is going to be enough and that the future has some reason to believe that it’s brighter,” Duckworth says.

1. Mentorship …

2. Connect workers to a higher purpose …

3. Establish a culture of grit …

CONFLICT & How to have difficult conversations at work. Plus, how I coach leaders in the art of socially skilled conflict resolution.

Commentary by Dr. Whitesel: When coaching church leaders I often find that it’s not the conflict, but the way it’s handled, that polarizes leaders and leads to more conflict. A primary tool is what I call “other-based conflict resolution.” This means thinking of the other’s needs and not your own needs when resolving conflict. This can include: choosing a place that’s more comfortable for the other, a time that’s more comfortable for the other and putting your concerns in the language of the other. For more ideas read this article.

BY TOMAS CHAMORRO-PREMUZIC, Fast Company Magazine, 4/14/21.

…As always, the ideal level of transparency can be found at the center of a continuum that ranges from no filter cruel honesty/confrontation to totally fake conflict avoidance/ingratiation. In fact, people do appreciate candid feedback, especially if they understand you have told them what they need to (but didn’t want to) hear.

…With that, here are some tips to consider:

CREATE, OR AT LEAST FIND THE RIGHT CONTEXT

Humans are emotional creatures, and even for the most phlegmatic and cool-headed person, some moments will be happier than others. If you are going to have a difficult conversation with someone and tell them something they don’t want to hear, you should start by creating the right context. Prepare them in advance, so they are not taken by surprise. Ensure that they are not going through a hard time already. For example, a Friday may be better than a Monday, during a pandemic is probably worse than a non-pandemic period, etc. Being aware of their personal circumstances is key.

CHOOSE A FORMAT THAT WORKS FOR THEM, NOT JUST FOR YOU

Have you ever been dumped via email or text? It is cruel and cold, but very convenient for the person who delivers the message. Most of us prefer impersonal, technologically mediated channels to convey unpleasant news, but they tend to make things worse. First, you will look like a chicken. Second, you will increase the probability of misinterpretations and miscommunication. Third, you will not be able to show or pick up any empathy.

An in-person message, or the closest we can get to these days (video call), may work best, even if it is not your preferred option. That said, if the other person is highly introverted, reserved, and private, they may appreciate a heads-up via email or text, with the option to discuss in-person or via video later. Try to adapt to them, know their style, and make an effort to adjust to it.

REMEMBER THAT YOU COULD BE WRONG

Most disagreements are clarified once a discussion takes place. This is both humbling and encouraging because it provides the biggest incentive for bringing up difficult topics and having challenging conversations with others. If something bothers you about someone, or you think they need to hear something, then bringing it up is the only way to address the issue.

Most importantly, it is a great opportunity to understand the person better and get a sense of whether you may have been wrong. If you disagree, then being aware of your disagreements is quite helpful, especially if you can find a way of living with your differences, and turns these differences into an actual strength. As Churchill said, “If two people agree, one of them is unnecessary.”

RELATIONAL LEADERS & 5 reasons highly sensitive people are an asset to your team. #3StrandLeadership

Commentary by Dr. Whitesel: The three basic “leadership types” are anchored by the relational leader. Sometimes called the “highly sensitive person” they take longer to process new ideas because they know the new ideas will strain relationships.

However, you need this highly relational leader on your team or else your plans will be perceived as uncaring and damaging to personal relationships.

Here’s a quick questionnaire to find the relational leaders on your team. And below is an article that explains more about how to keep this very valuable person as part of your team.

5 reasons highly sensitive people are an asset to your team by Harvey Deutschendorf, Fast Company Magazine, 12/2/20.

Psychologist Elaine Aron, who has been studying the innate temperament trait of high sensitivity since 1991, coined the phrase “Highly Sensitive Person.”

For those individuals who have these traits—about 20% of the general population—it can be a gift and a curse. HSPs feel both positive and negative emotions more intensely than non-HSPs. This sensitivity is thought to be linked to higher levels of creativity, richer personal relationships, and a greater appreciation for beauty.

Highly sensitive people require extra time to process, and if something seems off, they will usually identify an issue to be looked into further. Brain scans have shown that HSPs have more active mirror neurons, which are responsible for feelings of empathy for others, and more activity in brain areas that are involved with emotional responses.

Let’s take a look at the qualities of highly sensitive people so that you will recognize their traits, gifts, and the way they can feel most comfortable in the workplace.

1. THEY PROCESS THINGS DEEPLY

The highly sensitive brain has a more active insula, the part of the brain that helps enhance perception and increase self-awareness. HSPs are also wired to pause and reflect before engaging. Therefore, HSPs are always taking in a lot of information around them and thinking deeply about it.

Since HSPs notice more subtle details in their environments, they are more emotionally impacted by social stimulation and will notice the “pulse” of the workplace energy, which can be very helpful. They notice little details that others may miss, such as subtle body language or small changes to an environment. They are the first to notice if a colleague gets a new haircut or if someone is upset.

2. THEY FEEL EMOTIONS INTENSELY

HSPs feel more emotional in response to both positive and negative events, and they notice subtle details that others miss, such as nonverbal cues or small changes in their environment.

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A Wiki- on Church Health & Growth Curated by Bob Whitesel D.Min. Ph.D.

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