COMMUNICATON & 9 Rules of Winning Arguments

by Bill Murphy Jr., Inc. Magazine, n.d.

… This is a story about emotional intelligenceand winning arguments. If you find it convincing, I hope you’ll check out my free ebook, Improving Emotional Intelligence 2021, which you can download here…

Rule #1:     Before you start arguing, decide how you want it to end.

But like so many things in life, people often fail miserably here because they haven’t taken the time to think deeply about what success would look like. (Put differently: Follow the Z-Y-X Rule.)

Rule #2:    Think how you can make it end well for the other side.

Rule #3:    Control the circumstances.

When are you talking? How are you talking? Who’s initiating the call or traveling to the other person’s location? Is this all over email or text? Are other people listening in?

Rule #4:    Control the emotions.

But also, keep an eye on the other person’s emotions.

Rule #5:    Do not skip the small talk.

Your small talk might be brief, but it’s nevertheless important. It’s an early opportunity to find common ground.

Rule #6: Adjust (not react) in real time.

Rule #7:    Listen — and look as if you’re listening.

Perception is important. Even if you’re a pro at multitasking, think through what it looks like if you check your phone five times during the discussion, or if your assistant interrupts you twice to ask you questions.

Rule #8:    If you interrupt, do so strategically.

“Think about how you strategically interrupt,” suggested O’Shea Brown. “Maybe, ‘I hear you have a lot to say in regard to your feelings. We both want a solution, so let’s pivot toward solutions.’ Your tone is everything. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, they might not remember what you said, and they might not remember what you did, but they’ll remember how you made them feel.”

Rule #9:    Seek to understand

Tactically speaking: Ask open-ended questions, and even repeat back to the other person some of what they say. You want to know where they’re coming from so that you can better articulate your own points, and improve the odds of emerging closer to your goals.

Read more at … https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/why-emotionally-intelligent-leaders-use-9-secret-rules-of-winning-arguments.html

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE & 6 Mental Habits of People Who Manage Their Emotions Remarkably Well

by Michael Schwantes, Inc. Magazine, 4/4/18

1. They put boundaries on people who make them angry…

It’s saying to yourself, “I’m not going to allow this person to push my buttons, take advantage of this situation, or disrespect my authority.” Then following through on it.

2. They get to the bottom of why they’re really angry.

Emotionally intelligent people realize the reason for their anger may run deeper than what they’re experiencing on the surface. They probe, process, do a deep dive, and ask themselves, “What’s really beneath my anger?” By stepping back and looking at root causes, you’ll soon realize that your anger is really a reaction to whatever is disturbing you,.,Then tell yourself with brutal honesty, “The real reason I’m angry is … ”

3. They respond, not react.

Chuck Swindoll once said, “The longer I live, the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.” Emotional intelligent people have the advantage because they assess a situation, get perspective, listen without judgment, and hold back from reacting head on.

4. They take a six-second pause.

Why six seconds? The chemicals of emotion inside our brains and bodies usually last about six seconds. During a heated exchange, if we can pause for a short moment, the flood of chemicals being produced slows down…

5. They are the first to reach out after an argument.

6. They shift to the positive…

Have a gratitude meditation. Take out a piece of paper and spend two minutes making a list of all the things you’re grateful for in the last 24 hours. Positive psychologist Shaw Achor says if you do this simple exercise for 21 straight days, you’ll be training your brain to scan for positives instead of negatives.

Read more at … https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/6-mental-habits-of-people-who-manage-their-emotions-remarkably-well.html

WEALTH & Rich People Just Care Less? Yes, says research. Here’s why… #NewYorkTimes #research

“Those with the most power in society seem to pay particularly little attention to those with the least power.”

by Daniel Goleman, New York Times, 10/06/2013 on page SR12 of the New York edition with the headline: “Rich People Just Care Less.”

…Dacher Keltner, a professor of psychology at Berkeley, and Michael W. Kraus, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign, have done much of the research on social power and the attention deficit.

Mr. Keltner suggests that, in general, we focus the most on those we value most.

While the wealthy can hire help, those with few material assets are more likely to value their social assets: like the neighbor who will keep an eye on your child from the time she gets home from school until the time you get home from work.

The financial difference ends up creating a behavioral difference.

Poor people are better attuned to interpersonal relations — with those of the same strata, and the more powerful — than the rich are, because they have to be.

While Mr. Keltner’s research finds that the poor, compared with the wealthy, have keenly attuned interpersonal attention in all directions,

in general, those with the most power in society seem to pay particularly little attention to those with the least power.

To be sure, high-status people do attend to those of equal rank — but not as well as those low of status do.

This has profound implications for societal behavior and government policy. Tuning in to the needs and feelings of another person is a prerequisite to empathy, which in turn can lead to understanding, concern and, if the circumstances are right, compassionate action.

Read more at … https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/05/rich-people-just-care-less/?_r=0

EQ IQ emotional intelligence

WEALTH & Research shows as it increases… compassion and empathy go down.

Answer by Betty-Ann Heggie, Speaker, author, mentor on moving past gender stereotypes, on Quora, 1/25/18.

Research shows that as people’s wealth increases, their compassion and empathy go down. Poor people are more likely to be generous with money and to stop for pedestrians in the street. They may depend more on interpersonal relationships, and therefore be more attuned to them.

Read more at … https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-be-emotionally-intelligent

POWER & It decreases compassion and empathy according to research.

Answer by Betty-Ann Heggie, Speaker, author, mentor on moving past gender stereotypes, on Quora, 1/25/18

 

…As people work their way up to the highest ranks, they lose touch with the daily challenges and aspirations of people at lowest ranks. They start to see people in large groups, rather than as individuals. And they treat people as problems to solve, rather than fellow human beings to relate to. This helps explain why research finds power reduces concern for others.

… But right now, things are moving in the wrong direction. The higher up the ranks you go inside a company, the lower the EQ scores (measures of emotional intelligence) drop. A study of 1 million people by TalentSmart found that CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace.

…A helpful definition comes from Psychology Today: “the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” It’s a combination of emotional awareness, the ability to harness and apply emotions to tasks, and the ability to manage and regulate emotions.

Read more at … https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-be-emotionally-intelligent

EQ & The higher up the ranks you go inside a company, research shows the lower the “Emotional Intelligence” scores

Answer by Betty-Ann Heggie, Speaker, author, mentor on moving past gender stereotypes, on Quora, 1/25/18

…But right now, things are moving in the wrong direction. The higher up the ranks you go inside a company, the lower the EQ scores (measures of emotional intelligence) drop. A study of 1 million people by TalentSmart found that CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace.

…A helpful definition comes from Psychology Today: “the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” It’s a combination of emotional awareness, the ability to harness and apply emotions to tasks, and the ability to manage and regulate emotions….

 

Read more at … https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-be-emotionally-intelligent

EQ & How can I be emotionally intelligent?

Answer by Betty-Ann Heggie, Speaker, author, mentor on moving past gender stereotypes, on Quora, 1/25/18

…A helpful definition comes from Psychology Today: “the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” It’s a combination of emotional awareness, the ability to harness and apply emotions to tasks, and the ability to manage and regulate emotions.

It’s also set to become more important than ever over the next decade. As artificial intelligence and machine learning transform how businesses operate, people will need to focus more on uniquely human skills like empathy and awareness. So not only is emotional intelligence a competitive advantage for the businesses of today, it’s also a necessity for the businesses of tomorrow.

But right now, things are moving in the wrong direction. The higher up the ranks you go inside a company, the lower the EQ scores (measures of emotional intelligence) drop. A study of 1 million people by TalentSmart found that CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace.

Of course this is the case. To understand why, we can look at two helpful examples: poor people and President Obama.

Research shows that as people’s wealth increases, their compassion and empathy go down. Poor people are more likely to be generous with money and to stop for pedestrians in the street. They may depend more on interpersonal relationships, and therefore be more attuned to them.

This same idea applies with power in the workplace. As people work their way up to the highest ranks, they lose touch with the daily challenges and aspirations of people at lowest ranks. They start to see people in large groups, rather than as individuals. And they treat people as problems to solve, rather than fellow human beings to relate to. This helps explain why research finds power reduces concern for others…

Here are some of the ways I encourage leaders to build up their emotional intelligence:

1. Share power…
2. See everyone as equal…
3. Be conscious of unspoken communication…
4. Encourage people to question you…

Read more at … https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-be-emotionally-intelligent

EQ & How Emotional Intelligence Is Defined & How It Became a Key Leadership Skill

by Andrea Ovans, Harvard Business Review, 4/28/15.

…The term was coined in 1990 in a research paper by two psychology professors, John D. Mayer of UNH and Peter Salovey of Yale. Some years later, Mayer defined it in HBR this way:

From a scientific (rather than a popular) standpoint, emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive your own and others’ emotions; to understand the signals that emotions send about relationships; and to manage your own and others’ emotions. It doesn’t necessarily include the qualities (like optimism, initiative, and self-confidence) that some popular definitions ascribe to it.

It took almost a decade after the term was coined for Rutgers psychologist Daniel Goleman to establish the importance of emotional intelligence to business leadership. In 1998, in what has become one of HBR’s most enduring articles, “What Makes a Leader,” he states unequivocally:

The most effective leaders are all alike in one crucial way: they all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional intelligence. It’s not that IQ and technical skills are irrelevant. They do matter, but…they are the entry-level requirements for executive positions. My research, along with other recent studies, clearly shows that emotional intelligence is the sine qua non of leadership. Without it, a person can have the best training in the world, an incisive, analytical mind, and an endless supply of smart ideas, but he still won’t make a great leader.

The article then goes on to introduce five components of emotional intelligence that allow individuals to recognize, connect with, and learn from their own and other people’s mental states:

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation (defined as “a passion for work that goes beyond money and status”)
• Empathy for others
• Social skills, such as proficiency in managing relationships and building networks

Read more at … https://hbr.org/2015/04/how-emotional-intelligence-became-a-key-leadership-skill

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE & How to Work with People Who Aren’t Good at Working with People

Commentary by Dr. Whitesel; “Emotional intelligence (EQ) indicates an ability to mature in the emotions that affect your leadership and management. Yet, research shows we are better at gauging others’ emotional intelligence than our own. And especially challenging is working with people who have low emotional intelligence. These are often people attracted to Christ and His church for the stability it offers. Learn the basics of emotional intelligence and how to improve yours (and your team’s) in this helpful overview in the Harvard Business Review. Here are the keys: be gentle, be explicit, be rational and don’t be offended.”

Read more at … https://hbr.org/2015/05/how-to-work-with-people-who-arent-good-at-working-with-people