ANGER & Don’t tweet or reply when you are angry. Instead do what Abe Lincoln did: vent pent-up rage by writing it down … then put it aside for 24 hrs.

by Carmine Gallo, Inc. Magazine, 11/6/18.

…when Lincoln was angry at a cabinet member, a colleague or one of his generals in the Union army, he would write a letter venting all of his pent-up rage. Then–and this is the key–he put it aside.

Hours later or the next day, he would look at the letter again so he could “attend to the matter with a clearer eye.” More often than not, he didn’t send the letter. We know this was Lincoln’s tactic because years after his death historians discovered a trove of letters with the notation: never sent and never signed.

Lincoln practiced this habit for three reasons. First, he didn’t want to inflame already heated passions. Second, he realized that words said in haste aren’t always clear-headed and well-considered. Third, he did it as a signal–a learning opportunity–for others on his now famous “team of rivals.”

In one example, Goodwin recounts the story of Lincoln patiently listening to his secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, who had worked himself into a fury against one of the generals. Once Stanton was done venting, Lincoln suggested that he vent on paper, and write a letter to the general. It must have been quite a letter because it took Stanton two days to write. He brought it to Lincoln who said, “Now that you feel better, throw it in the basket. That is all that is necessary.” Stanton wasn’t pleased, but he took Lincoln’s advice…

Read more at … https://www.inc.com/carmine-gallo/its-easy-to-fire-off-an-angry-tweet-or-email-take-abraham-lincolns-brilliant-advice-instead.html

EMOTIONS & Outsmart Your Next Angry Outburst

by Peter Bregman, Harvard Business Review, 5/9/16.

… There are so many lessons in this brief but havoc-wreaking exchange. Some are easy: Don’t text when you’re angry. Ever. In fact, don’t communicate in the middle of any strong negative feeling. Most of us should not use writing to express anger or frustration or disappointment; subtleties of feeling are often lost in texts and emails. And, of course, never check your phone in the middle of a meeting…

For starters, always plan your communication. As you do, remember that organizations are complex, people make mistakes, and what looks like political backstabbing may be a simple oversight. In difficult situations it helps to ask instead of demand, to stay curious, and to open up conversation rather than shut it down. Give the other person some benefit of the doubt…

Here are four questions to ask yourself before communicating.

What outcome do I want? It seems obvious, but in reality it’s unusual that we ask this question. Often we react to what other people are saying, to our own emotions, or to a particular situation. But those reactions lead to haphazard outcomes. Start by thinking about the outcome you’re aiming for, and then respond in a way that will achieve that outcome…

What should I communicate to achieve that outcome? Once you know your outcome, identifying what you want to say is much easier. If I want to be closer to someone, “I’m hurt that you didn’t include me” is clearly a better choice than “I can’t believe you didn’t include me!” That small word difference represents a huge shift in meaning. Of course, for many of us it’s emotionally much easier to say “I’m angry” than to say “I’m hurt.” One feels powerful, the other vulnerable. This is one reason why emotional courage is so critical to being an effective communicator and a powerful leader.

How should I communicate to achieve that outcome? Your goal here should be to increase your chances of being heard. So instead of considering how you can most clearly articulate your point, think about how you can predispose the other person to listen. Ironically, you don’t do this by speaking at all. Just listen. Be curious and ask questions. Recap what you’re hearing. Then, before sharing your perspective, ask if you’ve understood the other person’s. If not, ask what you missed. If you hear a yes, ask, “Can I share my perspective?” A yes to this last question is an agreement to listen. And since you just gave a great example of listening, the other person is far more likely to return the favor.

When should I communicate to achieve that outcome? For many of us communication is a gut reaction… The rule here is simple: Don’t communicate just because you feel like it. Communicate when you are most likely to be received well. Ask yourself when you are most likely to approach the communication with curiosity, compassion, and clarity, and when the other person is likely to be generous and calm…

Read more at … https://hbr.org/2016/05/outsmart-your-next-angry-outburst?utm_campaign=harvardbiz&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social