MULTIPLICATION & Humor From Fictional Newspaper ‘Lark News’ About Multiple Services

Pastor’s multiple personalities suit congregation just fine

SAN DIEGO — A pastor diagnosed with two separate personalities continues to pastor his congregation at Fairview Baptist church as two different people, one in first service and one in second.

The first service, known as “the morgue” because of its preponderance of elderly people, knows pastor Ken Miller as conservative and subdued. He sings old hymns and limits his homily to 15 minutes. During the service he rarely strays from the pulpit.

But in second service, which the church advertises as their “contemporary” service, the same man emerges pumping his fists, jumping up and down and yelling, “Come on, people! Praise Him!” Miller charges through a power-packed hour of rock-and-roll worship and a motivational sermon. The much younger audience seems to connect with his energetic, humorous approach.

Miller’s personality shift happens promptly at 10:15 a.m. every Sunday morning when he’s reviewing his notes between services…

“It’s weird, but it works,” Miller says. “It makes it easy to conduct multiple services. Other pastors might have to think about shaping their presentation for a certain audience. For me, it happens automatically…”

Miller hit a snag recently when his second-service personality proposed building a larger, grander facility on the outskirts of town. His first-service personality had deep reservations, echoed by the more conservative first service audience.

“There is some directional tension with that, yes,” Miller says in his first-service personality. “I’m not sure building a fancier building will make the church any stronger.”

But during Sunday morning second service, Miller’s other personality sounds an opposite tone, insisting that the church must grow and remain relevant in the community. Twice, Miller’s second-service personality has purchased property for the new site, only to have his first-service personality call back later and rescind the offer…

Read the this humorous article in its entirety at … (a fictional newspaper)